Fetch Lu Lu, fetch. Good girl

For all those people out there with dogs, let me just say: suckers!  Ha, you wanted something to do tricks for you and walk around your house on four legs and so you got a puppy.  Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now you’re finding that it’s real responsibility.  Up first thing in the morning to pee (the dog, not you.  Well, probably both) and then you have to pick its poop up with a plastic bag.  Every day the puppy chow needs to be dumped in a bowl and you can’t forget *one single day*.  Welcome to ResponsibiltyVille, population: You.

I wish I could have known this earlier so I could have advised you when you went to pick out the little furball.  I could have headed you off early and given you this little piece of advice: have a kid!  It’s like a dog, but without all the trouble.  For example:

• Your dog gets up every morning at 5 begging to go out.  And that’s assuming he didn’t just pee on your Persian (rug, not other dog…probably).  And then when he does drop a load, you have to grab the warm mess in your hand with only a thin layer of plastic between your skin and last night’s kibble.  Well, it’s almost 7 and my baby is still asleep.  Also, she just did all her business in a diaper and if there’s poo I just have to shake it off into a toilet.  Just a little shake.  That’s all.  Point, baby.
• My kid feeds herself!  You just put the mush on her highchair try and she goes at it.  And then, as a bonus, she rubs her hands all over her face and body, hiding chicken and peas in her various folds for future enjoyment.
• How about tricks?  Your dog plays fetch?  Yeah, well, so does my baby.  If we say go get the ball, she goes to her ball.  If we say go get charlie the bear, she goes to charlie the bear.  And sometimes, as a bonus, if we tell her to get the ball, she’ll get charlie the bear.
• And, of course, she tools around the apartment on all fours just like your pup.  Of course, she’s not covered in fur.  Now, if she’s gotten a bit more of her Ukranian heritage…

So yeah, don’t get a dog.  Get a baby!  And then you can watch the little naked baby crawl to her own bath from the bedroom to the tub.

Your dog hates getting a bath.